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Robert Pattinson attends the premiere of that movie your little sister won’t stop shrieking about

Gary — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:30:00 +0000

Robert Pattinson walked the red carpet last night for the world premiere of Twilight where he was reportedly deafened by 50 bajillion screaming teens who thought it'd be cool to scratch their necks all up to simulate a vampire bite. Ha ha. That's our future, folks. I'm drowning myself in the tub. Us Magazine reports:

"They all just scream at me and now it just kind of feel like my job," said Pattinson, who joked with MTV News that he'd gone "completely deaf" at the premiere.
Just the other day, Pattinson realized, "there were some girls who had scratched ... the side of their necks so [they were] freshly bleeding when they came up to get a signature.
"They were like, 'We did this for you.' I didn't know what to say. 'Um, thanks guys?'"

Jesus, whatever happened to good ol' fashioned getting high in your parents basement? If I ever had a daughter and she did something like this, I'd tell her she's adopted. Of course, later on, I'd have to buy her a pony so she doesn't stab me in my sleep. See? This parenting thing's not so tough.

Photos: WENN

Britney Spears is somehow meeting men

Gary — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 17:45:00 +0000

Britney Spears, despite being legally insane, went out on a date last night with a mystery man at Sur in Los Angeles. This has to be a kick in the birth canal for all the sane women out there who know that children aren't an end table for your cellphone yet still can't find a man. Ladies, I'm here for you - provided you don't try to change me and make me wear pants. Can't you just love me for who I am? *sniff* I'm going to my mother's.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

Paris Hilton & Stavros Niarchos: Reunited and it feels so good (Except for the peeing)

Gary — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:30:00 +0000

I imagine you could probably fry an egg on Benji Madden's bald Elmer Fudd head right about now. These are pics of Paris Hilton getting cozy with her ex Stavros Niarchos at a club in Miami over the weekend, according to The Sun:

Greek shipping heir Stavros - who dated Paris in 2006 - made a beeline for Paris after they both attended the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in Miami.
A source said: " Stavros looked thrilled to see Paris again and was spotted stroking her hair.
"They then looked deep in conversation."

I know what some of you are thinking "Maybe they were just talking." Really? Think about that one for a second: Who approaches Paris Hilton with the intent of hearing words come out of her mouth? I could go out back and talk to my garden hose for an hour, and it'd be a richer experience. (Read: I'd call him "Hosey.")

Photos: The Sun

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Ashlee Simpson may induce labor, says Jessica Simpson

Gary — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:30:00 +0000

Remember when Ashlee Simpson got pregnant, I'm guessing, at least ten years ago? That kid's still in there. While taping an upcoming episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Jessica Simpson says her little sister may have to induce labor soon. People reports:

"They're going to have to. It's already developing really quick," Jessica said Monday at a taping of the The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Ashlee – described by husband Pete Wentz more than two weeks ago as due at any moment – has already tried other ways to begin labor.
"Different foot massages and stuff," Jessica told DeGeneres in the show airing Wednesday. "I don't know. I think she's really just jumping around trying everything right now."

Then again, look who the source of this information is. The day I take medical advice from Jessica Simpson is the day I end up performing a C-Section with a hot dog because "babies like mustard."

Photos: Splash News

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Ashlee Simpson may induce labor, says Jessica Simpson

Gary — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:30:00 +0000

"They're going to have to. It's already developing really quick," Jessica said Monday at a taping of the The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Ashlee – described by husband Pete Wentz more than two weeks ago as due at any moment – has already tried other ways to begin labor.
"Different foot massages and stuff," Jessica told DeGeneres in the show airing Wednesday. "I don't know. I think she's really just jumping around trying everything right now."

Then again, look who the source of this information is. The day I take medical advice from Jessica Simpson is the day I end up performing a C-Section with a hot dog because "babies like mustard."

Photos: Splash News

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Ashlee Simpson may induce labor, says Jessica Simpson

Gary — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:30:00 +0000

"They're going to have to. It's already developing really quick," Jessica said Monday at a taping of the The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Ashlee – described by husband Pete Wentz more than two weeks ago as due at any moment – has already tried other ways to begin labor.
"Different foot massages and stuff," Jessica told DeGeneres in the show airing Wednesday. "I don't know. I think she's really just jumping around trying everything right now."

Then again, look who the source of this information is. The day I take medical advice from Jessica Simpson is the day I end up performing a C-Section with a hot dog because "babies like mustard."

Photos: Splash News

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Ashlee Simpson may induce labor, says Jessica Simpson

Gary — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:30:00 +0000

"They're going to have to. It's already developing really quick," Jessica said Monday at a taping of the The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Ashlee – described by husband Pete Wentz more than two weeks ago as due at any moment – has already tried other ways to begin labor.
"Different foot massages and stuff," Jessica told DeGeneres in the show airing Wednesday. "I don't know. I think she's really just jumping around trying everything right now."

Then again, look who the source of this information is. The day I take medical advice from Jessica Simpson is the day I end up performing a C-Section with a hot dog because "babies like mustard."

Photos: Splash News

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Ashlee Simpson may induce labor, says Jessica Simpson

Gary — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:30:00 +0000

"They're going to have to. It's already developing really quick," Jessica said Monday at a taping of the The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Ashlee – described by husband Pete Wentz more than two weeks ago as due at any moment – has already tried other ways to begin labor.
"Different foot massages and stuff," Jessica told DeGeneres in the show airing Wednesday. "I don't know. I think she's really just jumping around trying everything right now."

Then again, look who the source of this information is. The day I take medical advice from Jessica Simpson is the day I end up performing a C-Section with a hot dog because "babies like mustard."

Photos: Splash News

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Kim Kardashian still wearing bikinis

Gary — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:15:00 +0000

Here's a rare occurrence, pictures of Kim Kardashian wearing a bikini without a sarong. Seriously, you'd have better luck finding a four-leaf clover that talks and knows all the words to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler - in Aramaic. NOTE: Folks, we've got buttcrack. And quite possibly the lost city of Atlantis. I'll keep you posted.

Photos: INFdaily.com

Heather Locklear charged with DUI

Gary — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 21:30:00 +0000

Heather Locklear has been formally charged for DUI stemming from her September arrest. Authorities say she was under the influence of prescription medicines, according to People:

If convicted, the actress, 47, faces penalties ranging from a fine to up to six months in county jail.
An arraignment was set for Jan. 26 in Santa Barbara Superior Court.
"Lab tests showed she had no alcohol in her system and no illegal narcotics of any kind," says Senior Deputy District Attorney Lee Carter, who declined to comment on what medications – or the amounts – Locklear had taken.

Dude, are you scoping out those looks? I think she wants me. Big time.

Photos: Splash News

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Scarlett Johansson on Lindsay Lohan

Gary — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 20:30:00 +0000

Once upon a time (Read: 2005), a presumably coked-out Lindsay Lohan wrote "Scarlett Johansson is a bloody cunt" on a bathroom stall in New York City. The two were once in competition for the lead role in The Parent Trap which Lindsay won. Scarlett Johansson has never talked about the incident, but recently opened up about it in the latest issue of Allure where she claims she's only met Lindsay "like three times":

"I don’t know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar — I mean, shockingly so, like, 'Whoa, what, who are you?'"

I believe the more appropriate question when discussing Lindsay is "When, where, how much and is that gargoyle dude going to watch?" (Answer: Probably.)

Photos: Allure, Splash News

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Britney Spears to light tree at Rockefeller Center

Gary — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:15:00 +0000

Live in New York City? Now would be a good time to leave. Britney Spears is scheduled to light the tree at Rockefeller Center therefore ushering in Armageddon and ruining Christmas for every girl and every boy, according to OK! Magazine:

Sources close to the pop superstar confirm to OK! that on Dec. 3, the day after she turns 27 and her new album, Circus, hits record stores, Britney will be in the Big Apple for the 76th annual tree-lighting extravaganza. What's still unclear is whether or not she'll be performing at the ceremony, or just hanging out with host Al Roker for the NBC broadcast of the event.

BABY JESUS: Britney Spears? Are you shitting me?! She'll eat the tree! Dad. GOD: Son, the game's on. BABY JESUS: But, dad, she'll ruin my birthday. GOD: Jesus, Jesus, you're killin' me. BABY JESUS: Fine. But I'm giving Stephen Baldwin those laser eyes he keeps asking for. GOD: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. TOUCHDOWN! UPDATE: Stephen Baldwin blew up Hollywood, Keith Olbermann and beloved Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling today...

Photo: INFdaily.com

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Mario Lopez continues his never-ending war on sleeves

Gary — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 17:30:00 +0000

A.C. Slater, What is it with you and sleeves? Why do they vex you so? I've put great a deal of effort into this question (five minutes) and narrowed it down to a list of likely scenarios that fuel your unbridled hatred for armwear. If these hit close to home, my apologies: 1. Dustin Diamond. 'Nuff said. 2. A sleeve touched your special place when a grown-up wasn't around. 3. One time a beautiful ~~woman~~ person asked to see your guns, but they were buried under a sleeve causing you to scream into the night, "NO, DAMN YOU! NEVER AGAIN, SLEEVES!" 4. A sleeve murdered your father over an unpaid debt. 5. They're itchy. I understand you're currently in South Beach, but a timely response would be appreciated before I tell people a sleeve broke your heart and slept with your brother. Sincerely, The Superficial Writer P.S. How much are we talking for you to show up to my work and call people "Preppy?" Five, ten bucks? Shoot me a figure which I'll continually reject until you settle for a McMuffin.

Photos: Flynet, Splash News

Wanda Sykes comes out of the closet

Gary — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 16:15:00 +0000

Comedian Wanda Sykes came out of the closet yesterday at a rally protesting Proposition 8 which banned gay marriage in California. The AP reports:

"You know, I don't really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn't feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life," Sykes told a crowd at a gay rights rally in Las Vegas on Saturday.
"Everybody that knows me personally they know I'm gay. But that's the way people should be able to live their lives," she said.
Sykes, who is known for her feisty and blunt style, said the passage of California's Proposition 8 made her feel like she was "attacked."
"Now, I gotta get in their face," she said. "I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be a black woman, and I'm proud to be gay."

Wanda also added "Plus, you know, it was getting all kinds of crowded in there and Tom Cruise wouldn't stop asking me if I was an alien or something. So finally I say 'Look, I am not an alien - but that Spencer Pratt kid behind you is.' Then made a bee-line for the door. Sheeit, he called me an alien! I mean, uh, boo! Prop 8: Oppression."

Photos: WENN

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Jamie-Lynn Sigler & Turtle from Entourage: No longer just an insanely unbelievable plotline

Gary — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:00:00 +0000

Jamie-Lynn Sigler recently appeared on HBO's Entourage as herself and is the latest love interest for Turtle (Jerry Ferrara). Turns out their relationship isn't entirely fictional, according to Page Six

Sigler tells Page Six Magazine today: "[Ferrara] is a very special person, and I'll leave it there . . . I'm not a good dater. It takes a lot for me to even want to kiss someone. I have to have a connection, and those are rare for me." Well, lightning has struck. Last week, our spy caught the two of them at a party in the Hollywood Hills "kissing and making out all night."

Wow. This is just like what happened to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt while making Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Except not really because this is way, way, way less interesting. In fact, I think I'm in coma. *beep* (Heart monitor.) Thanks to Jonah who once had a torrid love affair with KITT from Knight Rider.

Photos: WENN

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Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2008

Gary — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 05:05:00 +0000

Match the supermodel with the thought going through her head: 1. "Try and tell me my outfit can't have a bejeweled spider attacking my vagina. I'm ______, bitch!" 2. "Wait a minute. This isn't Scores...." 3. "Probably should've gotten that Brazilian today." 4. "Why won't my mother just admit she had sex with Hawkman?" Answers: 1. Heidi Klum, 2. Marisa Miller, 3. Audrina Lima, 4. Alessandra Ambrosio.

Photos: Splash News

Hugh Jackman might work out a little

Gary — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 23:15:00 +0000

Fun Fact: Hugh Jackman and I are identical twins separated at birth. Which is why folks call me "Man Hughjack." Ladies?

Photos: Pacific Coast News

Chloe Sevigny in a bikini

Gary — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 23:00:00 +0000

For those of you wondering what Big Love actress Chloe Sevigny looks like when she's not buried under 50 layers of Mormon, here she is at Miami beach yesterday wearing a bikini. Which begs the question: How can one man have all the answers to life's deepest questions? Magic.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Flynet