• Recent Smut

  • Jenny McCarthy in a bikini
  • Julian McMahon loves him some tiny shorts
  • Kate Hudson congratulates Lance Armstrong on new baby
  • Madonna’s crotch wants to sell you a purse
  • Lily Allen threatens to post Katy Perry’s phone number on Internet
  • Amy Winehouse’s mystery man identified
  • Patricia Arquette files for divorce from Thomas Jane
  • Adrian Grenier leads a grueling existence
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt just became single
  • Mini-Me’s love life is God’s punchline
  • Benji Madden to ensure niece Harlow dates Mr. Right
  • Rebecca Romijn births twins
  • Britney Spears says ‘Hey, 2009, do you like nipples?’
  • Rihanna’s access to jewelry suggests engagement
  • Courtney Love used to have sex with Edward Norton

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These are shots of Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey enjoying a Hawaiian getaway. While it’s awesome to see Jenny in a bikini, why does it look like she’s in excruciating pain in every single pic? I understand she leads a stressful life battling autism, but you’re on the beach, lady. And you’re with Jim Carrey whose tepid brand of humor will make anyone laugh quietly to themselves. So, live, Jenny McCarthy. LIVE, DAMN YOU! Autism isn’t going anywhere, and it’ll be there when you get back. Always
I should never work for Hallmark.

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Seen here continuing his Australian vacation with girlfriend Kelly Paniagua, Nip/Tuck star Julian McMahon wishes you all “Peace, Love and Thanks for looking at my package. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to stoically display it in random people’s faces. Hello there, lifeguard, got a minute?”

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Kate Hudson might have been ditched by Lance Armstrong, but she’s willing to be the better person and congratulate him for knocking up his latest girlfriend. And not just for the press it’ll generate. - - Goddammit…. People reports:

“It’s amazing. Congratulations,” Hudson told PEOPLE at Monday night’s Manhattan premiere of Bride Wars, where she shared the Tiffany & Co. blue carpet with costar Anne Hathaway.
“He’s a great father. He already is an amazing father,” Hudson said with a smile.

But in all seriousness, that’s a really classy move by a woman who basically let a one-nutted cyclist play Russian Roulette with her uterus. Most of the ladies I know would’ve smashed the reflectors on Lance’s bike then pulled the baseball cards out of his spokes. No foolin’.

EDIT: Added pics of Kate stopping by Letterman last night because I’m convinced if I stare at her ass long enough I’ll see the future. Wait, I’m getting a prediction: She’ll go through a door!

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Here’s Madonna in the latest Louis Vuitton ad, and what the decaying hell are these people smoking? I seriously doubt anyone is looking at this photo and thinking to themselves “Oh, wow, a vag-cophagus. I suddenly need a new handag.” Unless Louis Vuitton is aggressively courting the elusive “Gay Paleontologist” market. In which case, jackpot!

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Apparently, Lily Allen and Katy Perry have a little feud going on after Katy called Lily fat. So, like two adults, they’ve taken their tiff online to Facebook FTW. The Sun reports:

Writing on her Facebook page, Lily said: “I have Katy Perry’s number, someone did me a favour. I’m just waiting for her to open her mouth one more time then it hits Facebook.”
Lily also joined two groups on the networking site. One is called “I hate Katy Perry and her dumb-ass song I Kissed A Girl”. The other is “Katy Perry? Who in the hell does she think she is?”

Oh my God, she joined a Facebook group that disses Katy Perry? I don’t know how you recover from that. Seriously, that’s hardcore right there. Hard fucking core. If I were Katy Perry, I wouldn’t even leave the house. Or wear clothes. Or even better; Not wear clothes at my house. Oh snap! What now, Lily Allen? Put that in your SuperWall and Friend Request it, bitch! *drops microphone*

Wait, that was my coffee mug. Little help?

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Amy Winehouse has been spotted in St. Lucia the past couple of days with a mystery lover who’s been identified as 21-year-old aspiring actor Joshua Bowman, and he swears to God he’s not using Crackzilla for publicity. (Because he is.) The Daily Mail reports:

Mr Bowman said: ‘She’s just a cool girl, very nice, and we’re just very friendly. She’s a good laugh - she is such a lovely girl and on great form.
‘I can’t say much more than that. I have been having a lovely time relaxing. It’s not been all party-party. I don’t drink much at all as it happens.
‘It’s true to say that I’m a budding young actor. But I’d rather get my name out there because of my acting rather than who I’m being photographed with. I wasn’t waiting until there was a photographer on the beach to put my arm around Amy.

No, of course, Joshua Bowman wasn’t waiting for photographers to show up on the beach. That’s just retarded. He paid them to hide behind the jetty over there and not take pictures of him vomiting or wincing. You know, make it look believable. That said, the top photo exposes his little ruse because something obviously fell off of Amy into his hands. I don’t even want to guess this early in the morning, but it’s an ear.

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Patricia Arquette is ditching her husband of two years Thomas Jane, according to the AP:

Arquette filed for divorce from Thomas Jane in Los Angeles on Monday, citing irreconcilable differences. The couple, who were married in May 2006, have a 5-year-old daughter, Harlow Olivia Calliope Jane.
Arquette, the Emmy-winning star of the NBC show “Medium,” is seeking custody of their daughter, with visitation rights for Jane.

So Medium is kicking The Punisher to the curb, and phrasing the story that way still didn’t make it more interesting. Damn.

Thanks to Heather! who would’ve bailed on Tom Jane the minute he compared witnessing child birth to “seeing God.” You know that shit ain’t right.

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Here’s Entourage star Adrian Grenier hitting Bondi Beach in Austrialia with a gaggle of bikini-clad women yesterday. Which is exactly what I’d be doing in his shoes, and here’s why: Anyone remember Brian Benben? I rest my case.

EDIT: I’m kidding, of course. These women all work for HBO’s marketing department and were chosen for their bushy eyebrow threshold. If you think the job is easy, try smacking yourself in the face with a Brillo pad the next time you have sex, then get back to me.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall have decided they do not want to spend the rest of their lives together. The two got engaged November 2007, but called things off over Christmas, according to People:

“They broke up over the holidays and have ended their engagement,” says a source close to the couple. “They’re both really sad about this. Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy. Everyone just wants the best for both of them.”

Damn. And she just got her figure back. Well, the important thing is, I own stock in Ben & Jerry’s.

UPDATE: The lady at the bank just told me a pint of Chunky Monkey does not qualify as stock and therefore would not give me $2.5 million. I don’t want to get all political, but this economic crisis is starting to piss me off.

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I don’t know about you guys, but it’s been way too long since one of Verne Troyer’s jilted ex-lovers has sold her story to News of the World. This time around it’s former Playmate Genevieve Gallen who married Mini-Me in 2004 after the two were introduced by Hugh Hefner at a New Year’s Eve party. Things went sour when Genevieve learned her knight in children’s pajamas has a drinking problem. (Read: One thimble of bourbon and the shit is on!):

On first going to Mini-Me’s “house”:
She felt like Alice in Wonderland when she first went back to Verne’s place . . . a SHED at the the end of his manager’s garden. “It was a little off-putting because everything was so small,” says Genevieve. “There was a miniature futon and a miniature refrigerator and bed. The light switches were all down at the level of my knee and the toilet was no bigger than a child’s potty.”

On realizing Mini-Me might have a bit of a drinking problem:
“One Valentine’s night, I tried to do something really special for him. I knew he liked the colour red, so I put on everything red, including red stockings, red garter belts, a red thong and patterned red shoes just how he liked them,” says Genevieve. He seemed really excited and jumped up on the coffee table as he ordered me into different poses. He took some pictures of me and I was ready for a really beautiful night but before we could make love he was so drunk he passed out wearing his socks and boxers.”

On getting accidentally locked out of the house after Mini-Me got trashed:
“The neighbours called the police and I convinced them to break the door open to let me in. But then they demanded to see Verne so I could prove it was my house. When I found him, he was face down clutching a pillow. I tried to wake him but it was impossible, so I had to pick him up still clutching the pillow and take him outside to present him to the police officers. They were shining the light on his head and Verne was mumbling, ‘What’s going on?” One of the police officers started laughing but the other one told him to stop. It was really embarrassing.”

Look, I don’t want to seem like I’m discriminating against little people here, but maybe the next time their guild meets inside a mushroom, they should let Verne know he’s not doing anybody any favors. Just sayin’.

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Benji Madden has devoted himself to protecting the honor of his niece Harlow Winter Kate Madden, according to People:

“I’m going to be keeping a close eye on her,” Madden, 29, tells PEOPLE of the daughter of twin brother Joel Madden and his girlfriend Nicole Richie, 27. “I’ll leave the shotgun right by the door.”

Anyone else find it ironic that the guy who had sex with Paris Hilton is going to be dishing out dating advice? Then again, he does have access to a great object lesson.

BENJI: Nice to meet you, Timmy. Now before you take my niece out, I want to teach you kids a lesson about pre-marital intercourse. *unzips pants*
TIMMY: Jesus! What did you do? Wrap it in tin-foil then put it in the microwave?
BENJI: Something like that.

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Rebecca Romijn (I keep wanting to add Stamos) and Jerry O’Connell welcomed twin baby girls over the holiday. The news was announced this morning by the couple’s good friend Howard Stern as a consolation for ducking his wedding in October. E! News reports:

The shock jock was entrusted by pals Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell to deliver the happy news via his Sirius radio show this morning that the couple is celebrating the birth of twin girls.
Shortly after Stern’s announcement, the couple’s publicist, Lewis Kay, told E! News that Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip were born Dec. 28, and both the parents and newborns are “all home and doing well.”

And by doing well they, of course, mean Jerry O’Connell is licking his fingers and saying “Relevancy! Oh my God, sweet relevancy! All for me! Mu ha ha ha!”

Congratulations though.

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There are two major things that concern me in these photos of Britney Spears leaving a recording studio yesterday:

1. The lack of a bra. Whenever you’re able to see Britney’s nipples through her shirt, it’s pretty much a given the crazy switch has been set to “ARGH!” Don’t worry, pissing your pants is a perfectly natural reaction. Anyone got a mop?

2. The whistling. Only two types of people whistle: Serial killers and elves. That means one of these is the characteristic of the personality Britney is operating on. Or it could be both which explains why she just murdered a homeless person then tried to bake cookies in a tree.

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Rihanna has been spotted recently wearing an insane diamond ring (above) sparking all kinds of speculation that she’s engaged to long-time boyfriend Chris Brown. Here’s a little theory I cooked up: SHE’S FILTHY RICH. That said, I included pics of Rihanna performing at the B96 Jingle Bash in Chicago, so you can formulate your own scientific evaluation using the most pertinent leather-clad facts. Nobel prize committee, I’ll be awaiting your call.

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These are not shots of Courtney Love on the set of her new movie Flapper Girl: A Retard’s Story. This is just Courtney Love out in public yesterday presumably searching for some tin cans to rub together. Who knows? I also couldn’t help but notice Courtney is working on some Madonna-esque arms there, but unlike the Crypt One, she’s doing things the old-fashioned way: With heroin.

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AnnaLynne McCord of 90210 took her death navel to South Beach this weekend with her boyfriend Twilight star Kellan Lutz. Granted, AnnaLynne is in a bikini, but is she really a celebrity? Or am I just playing God asking that question? I don’t like to play God. Except that one time I turned my cat into a toaster.

*RAWR* *KABOOM*

Oh, nice. Pop Tarts are done.