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  • Ashlee Simpson may induce labor, says Jessica Simpson
  • Ashlee Simpson may induce labor, says Jessica Simpson
  • Ashlee Simpson may induce labor, says Jessica Simpson
  • Ashlee Simpson may induce labor, says Jessica Simpson
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I wasn't going to post these to save you from, well, having to look at them, but here's Britney Spears showing off her panties in Los Angeles over the weekend. Maybe 'showing off' isn't the right choice of words here, since the photographers are basically sticking their hands up her skirt. I'm not sure why any reasonable human being would attempt to zoom in on Britney Spears' butthole like that, but this is the paparazzi we're talking about. I guess we should just be thankful they stopped there. Also, what the hell is going on with the texture of Britney Spears' private area? It looks like somebody decided to replace her vagina with a dirty old man's armpit. NOTE: Pics might be NSFW, depending on how you classify the horrible-looking area around Britney Spears' taint.

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I really don't know what to say about these pics of porn star Bridget the Midget's flashing a boob this weekend. Mostly because I'm disappointed a unicorn didn't fly out of her cleavage like these doodles I made on my Trapper Keeper. Although, technically, I believe Bridget's obligated to at least shoot gold coins out of her nipple, if my interpretation of midget law isn't mistaken. Which it could be because they write so. Damn. Small. NOTE: Pics link to NSFW version including one of Bridget's tattoo of a dollar bill that's cleverly replaced George Washington with, well, here's a hint: that's not a flower.

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Nereida Gallardo continues her vacation in Italy with soccer star boyfriend Cristiano Ronaldo. At some angles, Nereida looks absolutely banging. While in others, Holy crap, cellulite. But I'm willing to look past all that because I'm a sensitive guy who drinks a lot and had sex with a a toaster last night. I've got nowhere to go but up. (Provided the coffeepot stops giving me "the eye.") That said; Nereida, quit smoking and hit the treadmill. Otherwise you've got a future ahead of you filled with sarongs and choreographed butt-flexing like someone I know. Let's just say her name rhymes with "Kim Kardashian" and leave it at that.

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Heidi Montag is a devout Christian and wish people knew more about her faith. But you don't hear much of that because she's too busy posing in pictures that could only be used as Aryan greeting cards. But in between displaying her funbags, Heidi has a deep spiritual side that she shared with USA Today. Let's take a look at Heidi's ability to form thoughts which will make you cringe because of the fact her uterus is fertile and capable of reproduction: On how she's just like Jesus but with implants: "There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn't matter to me." On her and Spencer's faith and surprising ability to read: Montag identifies herself as "kind of non-denominational Baptist" and hopes to release a Christian album one day. Both she and Pratt read the Bible conscientiously. "I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God." On traveling to Africa - Paris Hilton style: This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to "feed children and help build things." Cameras will capture their trek, but not for The Hills. Heidi also plans on releasing a Christian music album and you know what? I couldn't think of a better market for her. SNAP! Did I just burn religion and Heidi in one sentence? I think I did. Who's Jesus now? Eh? If you'll excuse me, I need to go turn the water cooler into wine. UPDATE: Didn't work so I just poured vodka in. That's in The Bible too.

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Jessica Simpson's publicist probably framed the "Real Girls Love Meat" shirt because it is really pissing people off. Nobody important, of course, just PETA and now Pamela Anderson. She decided to use some choice words this weekend to describe Jessica on an Australian radio show. The Sun reports:

"I think she is a bitch and whore. Actually, I don't know if she was talking about food or men."

Knowing Jessica Simpson she was probably talking about Hot Wheels. Maybe these two should put aside their differences, and, I'm just spitballing ideas here, press their bare breasts together. You know, for the children - and world peace. Yeah, whatever I just said: Jujubes. They should really let me work at the U.N. I've got answers to stuff.

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Anne Hathaway's break-up with Raffaello Follieri may have been timed a little too conveniently. A friend of the Italian con-man believes Anne cooperated with the Feds in helping them arrest Raffaello, according to NY Daily News:

"It makes sense," the friend said. "She's referred to as his former girlfriend in the indictment even though her spokesman never confirmed they broke up."
Hathaway, who is not identified by name in the criminal complaint, split with Follieri shortly before his arrest last week. He is charged with posing as an agent of the Vatican to fleece investors out of millions.
"I think that in return for her cooperation, the feds held off on arresting Follieri until she was out of the country," the friend said.

I guess Anne Hathaway started to realize something was amiss when Raffaello suggested they add role-playing to their routine. He would pretend he was a priest while conducting real estate transactions and, she'd pretend she didn't want to sleep with the fishes if she ever opened her mouth. It was exciting at first, but Anne wanted to switch things up a bit. She'd be a naughty meter maid, and he'd be Zach Braff's Italian brother: Denzel Washington.

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Amy Winehouse performed at the Glastonbury festival over the weekend and attacked a fan during a song. Supposedly, somebody tried to "grab" Amy (Cocaine is a helluva drug.), and she responded by throwing some elbows of fury. The crazy part is, she's not even looking while she's letting those death knobs fly. As of this post, no charges have been filed and the police aren't launching an investigation. BBC News reports:

"The 'lashing out' was when someone tried to grab her hair and she reacted," the spokesman said. He added that "one person misbehaving" did not spoil the singer's enjoyment of her performance.
But footage of the incident did not clearly show what provoked her lunge. The Grammy-winning singer was on fine form and in good voice for most of the set, going some way to dispelling fears about her health. She jumped down into the security pit for the last two songs, separated from the fans by a crush barrier.

If you watch the video after the jump, you can see that maybe, perhaps Amy Winehouse should've rested up from her hospital stint before interacting with the public. When she's not trying to thank them for buying tickets by breaking their faces, Amy performs exactly like I walk home after a night of drinking: All kinds of wobbly and thinking "How did I end up in heels again?"

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Spencer Pratt has responded back to comments made about him on Letterman by Mary-Kate Olsen. I'm sure when he got the call he squealed "OMG! Me me me!" Then he pushed Heidi Montag in a puddle and kicked a puppy. I have sources. Anyway, here's what Captain Oily of Anal Brigade said to Us Magazine:

"I don't really get why she'd use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see," he told Usmagazine.com Friday. "She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me.
"I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

Okay, first off, Mary-Kate doesn't need Spencer for publicity. Heath Ledger covered that check. Second, who the hell is Spencer Pratt to call out an Olsen twin? Those two had a billion dollar video franchise before they realized they hate solid foods but love opiates. What has Spencer done? Besides being the boy who wished hard enough for his sister's Barbie doll to come to life. Horrible, vapid, man, he should've wished for G.I. Joe instead life.

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A new chapter has begun in the Rob Lowe sex scandal that everyone forgot about. James Maclear, a former chef for the Lowe's, filed a declaration Friday that the ex-nanny accusing Rob of sexual harassment might be a cock-crazy psycho. Legally speaking. TMZ reports:

James Maclear says he worked for the Lowes as a chef from June to December 2005. In that time, he claims Jessica Gibson had an "overtly flirtatious manner." He says within hours of meeting her she "changed into hot pants and was laying on the kitchen floor with her legs open in a very suggestive manner."
He also says Gibson aggressively pursued him -- on several occasions telling him "she was very horny" -- even though he told her he had a girlfriend. He says once at a friend's birthday party Gibson paraded around a pizza joint singing the Pussycat Dolls' "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me" directly to his girlfriend.

James Maclear also claims that he never saw Rob flirt with Jessica and that she'd been reported to her supervisor for her "constant sexual innuendo." Intriguing. There's only one way to get to the bottom of this: I'll have sex with this so-called nanny which will allow me to prove if she was molested by Rob Lowe. I think. The important thing is I'll lose my virginity. Ha ha, I kid. I lost it weeks ago to The Geekologie Writer's mom. Best bumper car ride EVER.

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Continuing International Soccer Stars and their Bikini-clad Ladies Week on The Superficial, I'm posting pics of Nereida Gallardo who's vacationing in Sardinia with boyfriend Cristiano Ronaldo. These shots are from today, but I also added some from yesterday because, well, BIKINI. I bet you guys read this site while stroking your chins and thinking "Clearly, this man is a master wordsmith." To which I say, please, I'm just a simple writer - with golden hands given to me by Zeus himself. Accurate anecdote.* *AKA True story.

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Lindsay Lohan might have a sister she never knew about it. Her father Michael Lohan reveals that he had a brief relationship with a woman while he was separated from Dina. Recently, the woman wrote him a letter that claims he's the father of her child who's now 13. While most respectable men like myself would've hightailed it to the Yukon, Michael is embracing the notion of a new daughter. And most likely planning his own reality show: "Thank God I Didn't Wear a Condom Idol." OK! Magazine reports:

In a statement to OK!, Michael says, "Years later [the woman] contacted me, convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child."
In fact, OK! has seen letters Michael wrote to the girl's mother where he says that his secret daughter "is beginning to look a lot like Linds, with a mix of [younger brother] Cody, believe it or not." He also sent his daughter a photograph of himself while he was still in Collins Correctional Facility which he signed "Love Daddy."

Nice, except the AP reports Michael hasn't even gotten a paternity test yet, but he felt the need to write "Love Daddy" from prison. That's not gonna fuck a kid up. Then again, look who I'm talking about. This guy's not really batting a thousand in the fathering department, so we should be happy he hasn't asked how she's "developing" - using a scale of one to Lindsay.

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Britney Spears and Kevin Federline met yesterday for a private mediation session in an effort to avoid bringing their custody battle to trial. It didn't work. But, however, Kevin's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan spoke to E! News and says the talks were productive and both sides left happy. There was no mention of whether that involved giving Britney a Happy Meal:

"The mediation didn't result in an agreement that would avoid the trial set in August... The mood was comfortable, positive and it was a mood that was consistent with opening at least a great dialogue, which is necessary.
"Kevin has had sole legal custody since January. He wants that to become the permanent order at trial, and the visitation to be consistent with what the court expanded it to this week."

Of course, my sources tell me that part of the reason the talks failed is because Britney kept demanding "custardy." "Custardy!" she'd cry. "I want custardy!" Realizing things weren't going as planned on her Etch a Sketch, Britney switched to Plan B: Vadge in the eye. Everyone quickly turned in fear but not Kevin. No way. He wasn't backing down this time. Not now, not ev - Jumpin' Jesus it winked at him. SECURITY!

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Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and it looks like her stay did some good. For once she doesn't look like warmed over shit in make-up. I'm not saying I'd want to "hit that," but if it were suggested, I wouldn't completely try to bludgeon my own penis. And speaking of male genitalia, scope out this excerpt from the latest Rolling Stone. Writer Claire Hoffman sat outside Amy Winehouse's apartment and found herself invited in by Beehive Typhoid Mary:

"I'm on a strict put-weight-on diet. I love food. I'm just stressed out." She returns from the kitchen with an oozing white-bread-and-banana sandwich, on which she sprinkles potato chips. She hands Nicole her laptop, which is caked in fingerprints and smudges, and asks her to show me the photographs of Winehouse and her husband making out, the two of them mugging for the camera like Mickey and Mallory, passing pills to each other with their tongues. Winehouse gets up for more food. Nicole continues the slide show, and suddenly the screen flashes Winehouse's blurry face, taken from above with a phone in one hand and a gigantic penis in her mouth.

Wow. There's a mental image for the ages. And, now, to answer your burning question "Why? Why would you do that!?", the immortal words of Van Morrison (made famous by Rod Stewart): Have I told you lately that I love you Have I told you there's no one else above you Fill my heart with gladness take away all my sadness ease my troubles that's what you do Best readers ever. That's you guys. Stay in school.

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Madonna's divorce from Guy Ritchie is definitely becoming a reality. She met with Paul McCartney's high-powered attorney this week to protect her assets, but friends of Guy Ritchie say he's not interested in her money. In fact, he's actually hoping things can work out between him and Death Hands. The Mirror reports:

But friends said he still nurtures the dream that the final break can be avoided. One disclosed: "He's a bit down in the dumps, and who can blame him. He's off to the country to get a bit of peace and quiet."
Friends insist the movie director is unlikely to wage a court battle for more of the star's millions. The couple have already made the welfare of their children - Lourdes, 11, Rocco, seven, and adopted David, two - their top priority.
One source said: "Guy is a decent bloke, full stop. It's not his style to start profiteering from such sorry circumstances. He's got too much respect for his wife and children."

Personally, I think Madonna's making a huge mistake. I mean, Guy Ritchie is a human male who's willing to have intercourse with her. You don't throw something like that away. Let's be realistic: it's not 1992 anymore and you're the Crypt Keeper. In fact, if one of my buddies said "Hey, I'd like to have sex with Madonna - circa NOW." I'd probably give him back his car keys then suggest he take Holy Windy Fucking Shit Road home. Okay, you're right, I wouldn't do that. I'd ask the valet to.

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Mary-Kate Olsen stopped by Letterman last night to promote her new film The Wackness where she talked about spending her 22nd birthday at Bonnaroo, making out with Ben Kinglsey and not wanting her kids to be child actors. She then brought up going to high school with Spencer Pratt who Dave mentioned is a little "wormy." I guess that's showbiz talk for "epic assclown." Good to know:

Mary-Kate: He does not have a good temper. He walked out of a few games. He would walk off the field. He was like, 'Me or the coach!'
Dave: Were you friends with the guy at the time?
Mary-Kate: No.
Dave: Because I'm surprised about the soccer. Because looking at the guy, he looks like a guy that has never broken a sweat, I would guess.
Mary-Kate: Oh, my God — that brings up stories! I don't know if I should talk about it.
Dave: No, c'mon, let's hear one. Let's go.
Mary-Kate: [laughs] The Wackness is a great film.
Dave: What I don't understand is how does a kid that age, and he's only in his 20s or maybe even your age, how does a kid like that get to be so oily?
Mary-Kate: It's a mystery to me.

While I'm not surprised that Spencer Pratt is universally looked upon as Hollywood's shit stain, I'm extremely amazed at how normal Mary-Kate Olsen appears. For once she doesn't look like Yoda on heroin and is actually speaking to other humans. I always figured Mary-Kate communicated via an intricate series of wrist flaps and lip pouting. But real words? Honestly, who saw that coming? Video after the jump.

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Verne Troyer (a.k.a. Mini-Me) is suing the pants off of TMZ for showing footage of him without his tiny pants. Apparently, Mini-Me filmed a sex tape with ex-girlfriend Ranae Shrider (above) and, like any good amateur porn, it was stolen and found its way online. His lawyers claim to have sent several cease-and-desist letters before and after TMZ posted the footage. E! Online reports:

In addition to the gossip purveyor, which just posted the footage yesterday, Troyer has also sued One Night in Paris peddler Kevin Blatt. He claims that Blatt, who's known for his celeb-porn brokering ways, somehow acquired the stolen tape and, according to TMZ, is currently entertaining a $100,000 distribution offer from SugarDVD.
Troyer is alleging violation of privacy, copyright infringement, trademark infringement, violation of right to publicity and misappropriation of name and likeness.

Mini-Me made a sex tape? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! UPDATE: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! EDIT: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!* But, in all seriousness, did they use a tripod or just lay the camera on the floor? *HA HA HA HA HA HA!

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Hulk Hogan revealed to People that he still unconditionally loves his ex-wife Linda - even though she filed for divorce and currently has a 19-year-old kid ensnared in her leather vagina. But Hulk still keeps that torch burning and blames the reality for amplifying their problems. In the meantime, he's been able to fix his relationship with Brooke:

Hogan says his relationship with Brooke, 20, "was strained for a while" after Brooke learned that Hogan had a brief fling with one of her close friends, a woman in her 30s. "Brooke has gone through a range of emotions," Hogan says. "She was a little confused about who everybody was, and maybe had misinformation, but right now Brooke understands who I am, and who her mom is, and what's real and not real. She's doing real well now."

Smart thinking, Hulk. You can't have Linda, so you've moved on to her clone Brooke. Sure, her skin lacks the texture of beef jerky, but you didn't build the world's largest tanning bed for nothing. It may have taken years and they all laughed at you, but soon you'll be having burnt crispy sex faster than you can say "We're moving to Arkansas, brotha!"

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Newlyweds Colleen McLoughlin and English soccer star Wayne Rooney jetted off to Vegas for their honeymoon this week. It seems like they're having a good time swimming, drinking and, wait, reading "The Secret" WTF? First off, these people are loaded. Everyone knows that's a book for housewives stupid enough to believe you can will yourself wealthy, thin and/or relevant. Second, who reads on their honeymoon? Does the sex really stop that quickly? My God, you ladies are diabolical. How do you get away with it? Hold on, our secretary just showed me some cleavage, so now I'm doing her job for the rest of the day. What was I saying?

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Brooke Hogan recently posed for Maxim.com and obviously, there's been some airbrushing done here. It's cool, that's how they roll. But, I'm curious, why not airbrush the chin? I mean, if we're creating a fantasy where a randy Brooke is stranded on an island, let's ditch the man-chin and create a believable premise where she's worthy of rescue/sex in a palm tree. Otherwise, I don't see myself fashioning a raft for an awkward few minutes night of, "Please don't look directly at me."

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Brooke Hogan recently posed for Maxim.com and obviously, there's been some airbrushing done here. It's cool, that's how they roll. But, I'm curious, why not airbrush the chin? I mean, if we're creating a fantasy where a randy Brooke is stranded on an island, let's ditch the man-chin and create a believable premise where she's worthy of rescue/sex in a palm tree. Otherwise, I don't see myself fashioning a raft for an awkward few minutes night of, "Please don't look directly at me."

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