Denise Richards Knows Semen

Hah, it’s funny because it sounds like “seamen” and she’s all sailor-like….I’ll stop. The war between gold-digging sluttypants Denise RIchards and pervy freak-a-leek Charlie Sheen is full on. She must be paying him to write her nasty e-mails so she can publicize her upcoming reality show, Denise Richards: It’s Pathetic.

Denise was in NYC promoting her trash when she claimed that Charlie had sent her ANOTHER evil text message in which he mocked her mother and father. Her mom died of cancer recently. Or shame. Denise told the New York Daily News that she had sent him a text asking him if he was going to their daughter Sam’s family day at school and informing him that Sam had a cold.

“His response was, ‘I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore,’” Richards claims. “My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis,” Denise said. If she’s telling the truth about this, then Charlie’s very subtle in his hatred.

Their white trash war started up again when Denise claimed that Charlie faked an e-mail from her asking his ex-fiancee Brooke Mueller for sperm. Denise’s words on the matter are priceless and I think my publisher could consider hiring her to write for this site.

“I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm,” Richards says. “I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that.” Ching ching ching! We have a winner! “Prostitute-tranny-infested sperm!” What does that even mean? Kudos! And she didn’t leave it at that, by the way.

“I am so over him,” she says. “He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting, and he’s hit an all-time low.”

Sheen’s rep (I know, it’s endless) says that Denise is lying about the faked e-mail.

“Denise seems to be denying the existence of [the] e-mail. This goes beyond a he-said-she-said. We have an offer from a [live] TV show. They will bring a computer expert to diagnose the e-mail and to verify it was sent by her e-mail address and to verify it was neither altered nor edited. Computer DNA — it is conclusive. The only time Charlie has spoken on TV about her, they were sound bites at red-carpet visits or during set visits,” the rep said. “He has not gone on multiple TV shows this week.”

They both seem to be the worst examples of lying celebrity white trash. Which is why I think I love them.

Photos: Getty Images