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  • Britney Spears debuts ‘Womanizer’ video
  • Cheryl Burke wants you to accept her fat
  • Heidi & Spencer, Get Used to This Face: An Open Letter
  • Hugh Hefner’s new twin girlfriends have an assault record (I’m aroused)
  • Zac Efron might do naked stuff
  • Madonna is a bitch? I never would’ve guessed
  • Gisele Bundchen lends her hotness to Kevin Connolly
  • Angelina Jolie’s much ballyhooed breastfeeding cover of W magazine
  • Britney Spears is capable of reflection
  • Scary Spice modeling lingerie just frightened my pants off (In a good way)
  • Lynne Spears: ‘I’m innocent, I tell ya!’
  • Paris Hilton offers advice to Sarah Palin
  • Audrina Patridge started rumor about herself for publicity: FAIL
  • Nikki Blonsky shares her side of airport brawl
  • Britney Spears wears her bra like a big girl

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Britney Spears debuted her new video for "Womanizer" today and the song definitely benefited from visuals. And, Jesus, the visuals. Here's what to except from this thing conveniently lodged after the jump: 1. Naked Britney. And I didn't cry! 2. Lingerie Britney cooking eggs. Her real specialty: Flaming bowl of Lucky Charms. 3. Britney photocopying her ass then punching said photocopy. I didn't know this was autobiographical... 4. More Naked Britney. Again, no crying. 5. Cocktail Waitress Lap-dancing Britney. I think this video has exceeded its head-whipping threshold. 6. Britney driving a car with her foot while having sex in the backseat. This explains all those accidents. 7. Showering Britney. I'm gonna need a minute. 8. Crazy Vengeful Lingerie Britney. Yeah, make the bed over him. Guys hate that! 9. Naked Britney. Oh, I get it. She's the narrator. Ha! Gonna need another minute... 10. Words. In a Britney Spears' video? I guess - if you wanna be "artsy." Is Britney Spears back? Frankly, it felt like she never left. No, seriously, she can't be killed!

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Dancing With the Stars' Cheryl Burke has been getting a little porky lately, so she's doing what any responsible professional dancer would do: She's crying to the media about how everyone should be okay with it. According to People magazine:

When bloggers called out Cheryl Burke for putting on a few pounds, the Dancing with the Stars pro fought back. But what upset her most, she says, is the unhealthy body image issues promoted by such stories. “I want kids or women out there to realize you don’t have to be anorexic to be beautiful,” the two-time Dancing champ tells PEOPLE exclusively. “There’s a lot of pressure living this Hollywood life. People expect to see you at a certain weight and when you gain a few pounds then all of a sudden it’s the talk of the week.”

Whatever, fatty. If you weren't packing on pounds yourself, you'd be pushing your nose up with your thumb and making "oink, oink" noises at every chick who doesn't blow away in a stiff breeze. You're getting paid to stay in shape, so put down the damn donut and hit the treadmill. Unless you want your next TV gig to be on the evening news. In a breaking report about the woman who had to be airlifted to the hospital to have a turkey drumstick surgically removed from the folds in her gut.

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Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt, I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial. After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it's been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don't even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades. However, to show that I'm not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site: 1. Heidi wears a bikini. 2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally. I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant. Sincerely, The Superficial Writer. P.S. Paris, if you're reading this, I just FEDEX'd you a steak. EAT IT.

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Hugh Hefner has already found replacements for Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson. His two new ladies are twin sisters Karissa and Kristina Shannon (pictured on each side of Hugh.) But it turns out these two have a history of beating the living crap out of people and are BOTH on probation for a bar brawl in January, according to E! News:

The sisters were arrested in the early morning hours of Jan. 10 and booked on suspicion of felony aggravated battery, per arrest reports obtained by E! News. They were released from custody after posting $10,000 bonds and were later given probation and ordered to pay restitution for the incident, the details of which have not been determined just yet.
Prior to that run-in with the law, Karissa Shannon was arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor battery last November.

Well, at least they're not dating a feeble old man with tons of cash laying around. Wait...

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This one's for you, ladies (and The Geekologie Writer): Zac Efron of High School Musical fame is eyeing up the controversial role in Equus that's currently played by Harry Potter himself Daniel Radcliffe. Daniel was looking to shed his child star image and took the part which requires a full-frontal nude scene with a horse. Now Zac is looking to get in on the wang-dangling action. The Sun reports:

Zac let slip at the London premiere of High School Musical 3, saying: "You know that Daniel Radcliffe role on Broadway, well it's been mentioned.”
He is clearly hoping to shed his wholesome image, having just finished shooting period drama Me and Orson Welles alongside CLAIRE DANES.
He said: ''I would love to just sit down and talk with LEONARDO DICAPRIO and JOHNNY DEPP and pick their brains about their early careers. They do it because they love it, not because they enjoy being famous. You have to have good foresight and be really careful. If you don't adapt and learn at a very young age, you can really mess up."

Hey, if flashing your penis to a room full of people is acting, then call me Leonard Fucking Nimoy. Unless the room is air-conditioned, then call me Tiny Kevin Connolly. Ha ha! I can kick this kid all day. He's like a hackey sack!

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Swedish pop star Robyn was excited to open a handful of European shows for Madonna's "Sticky & Sweet" tour until she found out the Mummy has strict rules, according to Page Six:

Robyn told her hometown Swedish paper that she and her crew were told "not to approach Madonna, not to speak to Madonna and, above all, no pictures . . . I hadn't expected any glamour, but it's strange that they assume that the first thing you're gonna do is run after Madonna and ask for an autograph. My worst nightmare would be to turn into Madonna.

Robyn, it's everybody's worst nightmare to turn into Madonna - including Madonna. Seriously. I heard she looks at herself each morning in the mirror and says "Dammit, Madonna. Why did you turn into Madonna?" Then she eats a baby from a small African village and does Pilates. True story.

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These are shots of supermodel Gisele Bundchen filming a music video for Black Cowboy yesterday. Kevin Connolly from Entourage directed the shoot which took place on Melrose Ave., and I gotta say, I have my concerns. I'm no expert, but this thing seems to be missing several key components for a successful music video: Nudity, robots and Slash playing guitar while driving a tank full of strippers. I mean, sure, you can make a video without these things, but you can also make beer without alcohol. Just because you can doesn't mean you should - and that's one to grow on.* *Except for you, Kevin Connolly. You had your chance.

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You probably haven't been able to take a leak in the past 24 hours without hearing about Brad Pitt taking a photo of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding that would appear in W Magazine. Well, here it is. For those of you who thought it would be hot, two things: 1. It's for the cover of a national magazine so the chances of seeing a nipple were zero. (Though I could understand an expectation of side-boob.) 2. Breastfeeding involves babies, Darth Pervert. All that aside, what I found interesting was during the interview Angelina admitted Brad encouraged her to get pregnant when she was content with just adopting. Smooth:

"I think one of the life changing things that he did, one of many, is that I was absolutely never going to get pregnant. I never felt that it was the right thing to do. Now I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. It taught me a lot about life, just the process of it, and now we have three other beautiful children that wouldn't otherwise be here."

Wow. So Brad Pitt gets to have sex with one of the hottest women on the planet and what does he do? Turn hers vagina into a gaping baby portal. Jesus. That's like finally getting a Playstation 3 then shoving a watermelon through it. (I should write analogies for a living.)

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Britney Spears is opening up about the past two years of her life which friends and family refer to as the "batshit sandwich." During that time she got a divorce, went to rehab, started habitually flashing her cooch, bombed at the VMAs, lost custody of her children and then thought she was Mary Poppin's younger sister who likes to make amateur porn until someone put her in the psych ward. For a crazy person, you gotta admit she was productive. The AP reports:

"I sit there and I look back and I'm like, 'I'm a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?'" Spears said in an interview to air on MTV on Nov. 30, two days before the release of her new album. "I've been through a lot in the past two or three years, and there's a lot that people don't know."

"I'm a smart person." Okay, lying is probably not the best way to start a public confessional, but since you didn't throw feces at anyone, I'm gonna allow it - just this once.

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These are pics of Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown modeling the Ultimo Autumn/Winter lingerie line. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to "hot chocolate" doesn't it? A ha ha ha wait, hold up. I shouldn't have brought color into this. That was wrong of me, and I apologize. Instead, I should just respect Melanie for who she is: A beautiful woman with ginormous breasts who I'd have sex with until she realizes I'm not Keanu Reeves. See? Much better. Respect: It's dope!

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Ha ha! Remember Crazy Britney? Good times. Except when it comes to taking the blame which brings us to Lynne Spears who continues to promote her new book Through the Storm: How I Pimped My Children Then Profited from their Downfall Thanks to Your Purchase. Today she stopped by FOX News' The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet where Lynne convinced nobody but herself that she cashed in on her kids: On Britney and Jamie Lynn's careers: "People think I was this stage mom, that I was pushing my daughters to do what they did. I was actually their cheerleader. I have never been their manager, that's never been my role. I was the one that got their coffee in the morning and [got them] out of bed." On Kevin Federline: "I do like Kevin. He has been good to us," she says. "Kevin could have been a real pill about a lot of things, but he wasn't. He worked with us and has really tried to make everything good for the boys. He has thought about them through all of this." On Sarah Palin: "I'm glad she didn’t have to go through as much scrutiny as I did. Nobody wants their children to have these kinds of hardships or bumps. Who would want that?" Some conspiracy theorists (Read: Me) theorize that Lynne Spears slept with Kevin Federline thus sending Britney into a psychological tail spin. And, is it me, or did Lynne just admit that when she said "I do like Kevin."? Everyone knows it's scientifically impossible to like something but not have sex with it. Coincidentally, this is also the same excuse I used for why I ruined the turkey during Thanksgiving dinner last year. I expect the same response here: SUCCESS!

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Paris Hilton is continuing her cute, little "presidential campaign" in the latest issue of Harper's Bazaar. When she's not shilling for Rock Band 2 (Gotta love those MTV contracts), Paris had some friendly advice for a certain vice-presidential candidate:

My advice to Sarah Palin is, you’ve got a hot bod; don’t keep it to yourself. Why wear a pantsuit when you can wear a swimsuit? Welcome to the Lower 48, girlfriend.

With their candidate down in the polls, you know someone in the McCain campaign just read this and went "Hmm. Maybe..." Unfortunately, that person was John McCain who collapsed shortly thereafter from a condition known as "old guy boner." It happens. NOTE: Take part in democracy by weighing in on the Paris Hilton vs. Heidi & Spencer debate going on now which is truly the greatest issue facing our country today. (Next to that economy thing.)

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Because I love you guys I try to post about The Hills as little as possible. That being said, I always enjoy an opportunity to point out how ridiculously fake the show and everyone on it is. The latest "hot" rumor is that Lauren Conrad supposedly slept with Audrina Patridge's on/off boyfriend Justin Bobby (I want to die for typing this sentence.) But it turns out, in a move worthy of Heidi & Spencer, Audrina is the one who started the rumor so she'd have her own storyline, according to Us Weekly:

A source close to The Hills says, "Audrina herself spread the rumors to get more attention. Audrina is the one who gets the least attention. She was so jealous, she concocted this on her own."

OMG! LC gonna FTW your face, bitch! I don't even know what that means. On that note, forgive me for posting about Audrina Patridge when she's not in a bikini. I'm better than that.

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Nikki Blonksy is opening up about her side of the airport brawl that landed her father in jail and the mother of America's Next Top Model contestant Bianca Golden in the ICU. And, of course, Nikki's story is conveniently free of vagina-kicking but loaded with racial innuendos. People reports:

Things took a nasty turn, she says, when she asked Bianca not to point her finger in her face. "That's when she stood up, pulled her arm all the way back and said, 'F--- you, you white b----.' And she closed her fist and punched me," says Blonsky.
Golden – whose mother, Elaine, had to be airlifted to a hospital for her injuries – gave a very different account, telling Tyra Banks that Nikki kicked her mother in the groin and that Carl punched her mom in the face.
"Absolute lies," says Nikki.

Remember that part in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory where the chick turns into a giant blueberry? Just sayin'.

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Britney Spears did a little shopping yesterday in West Hollywood and continued to defy expectations by wearing a bra. Granted, anyone within a mile radius could see it, I'm not going to be the asshole to take this victory away from her. That's like disqualifying a pole vaulter in the Special Olympics for impaling the judge. Do you have no soul?

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Hugh Hefner confirmed that Holly Madison is no longer in the market for old man love. Things went south when it was discovered that Hugh couldn't father a child at 82. Honestly, I don't know who saw that coming. (Besides everyone.) E! News reports:

The Playboy mogul says the relationship started to crumble about six months ago when they learned he was unable to father a child with Holly.
"With my sperm count, it's not possible," Hefner explained. "I was willing but it was not possible…She'd like to be married and have children, but it's not in the cards here for me."

Hugh also confirmed that Kendra Wilkinson will be gone by the end of the year. But shed not a tear, my friends, the Hugh has back-ups:

In the last week, he's been spotted with 19-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon (pictured above). "They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends," Hefner says.
And they're not all he has to look forward to.
A college senior from Georgia whom Hefner identifies as Amy Leigh Andrews is also waiting in the wings. "She was testing here this past weekend," Hef says of the centerfold wannabe, "and she said she'd like to be a girlfriend, too."
The 82-year-old Hefner laughed, "I'm dancing as fast as I can."

I can't help but wonder if, deep down, Hugh wanted Holly Madison to leave. Sure, his sperm count is low, but it's not like he couldn't have scrounged some up to pass as his own. For God sakes, he lives in the Playboy Mansion! And, frankly, anyone's swimmers would've been preferable to Criss Angel's. I'm talking Pauly Shore, the kid who plays McLovin' or even a blood relative of Holly's. She'd never know the difference. (Provided the vial is wrapped in twenties.)

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Because everyone thought Paris Hilton's political ad was so effing adorable, she somehow roped Martin Sheen into helping her beat a dead horse then rape its carcass. If The West Wing going off the air didn't effectively end Martin Sheen's career, this thing put him out of his misery. EXTRA CREDIT: While I was typing this post, I couldn't help but think "Wow, Paris Hilton is literally just a diseased labia away from careening into obscurity." Which is sweet justice considering, up until recently, she was the queen of undeserved celebrity. But now Heidi & Spencer are mugging like trained chimps for that title. So, here's the question: If you had to choose between the Douche Twins or Paris, which would you rather see fall off the face of the planet while the other remains a "celebrity?" (And you have to choose or else something catastrophic will happen like, I dunno, beer no longer tastes delicious.) DISCUSS.

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These are shots of Lindsay Lohan out shopping yesterday with no bra and a just barely see-through top. I'm not going to say I spent all morning scouring for nipples, but then again, I wouldn't be a hero if I didn't. On a related note, pressing your cornea directly against a computer monitor can cause temporary blindness which, surprisingly, is not relieved by contact with a stripper's boob tassel. This proves, once again, my father knows dick about medicine, but God bless the man for trying.

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For the three of you wondering, Mariah Carey is still married to Nick Cannon and even threw a birthday party for him last night at Pure nightclub. I guess he gets one public appearance with Mariah a month, and in return she's allowed to drain the youth from him then sleep unfettered in a hyperbolic chamber. Not that that's a bad thing because, damn, it's working. At this rate, Mariah will look like she's in her 20's by Christmas while Nick Cannon will morph into Redd Foxx and experience the indirect thrill of people recognizing him. If only more marriages were like this...

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Clearly before news of a potential bun in the oven hit today, Jamie Lynn Spears and her boyfriend Casey Aldridge sat down with OK! Magazine to address the rumors that he was cheating on Jamie Lynn with 28-year-old Kelli Dawson and others:

"That is just completely fabricated," adds Jamie Lynn. "He never had an intimate relationship with her, so how would that be possible? Around here, that particular girl is known to make up stories."
And then there's Whitney Seals, who supposedly romanced Casey. Says Jamie Lynn, "What happened was that one of those girls did it, and in this small town when one of them does it, they're all like, 'Good idea.' They all jumped on the bandwagon."
"In a small town, everybody knows everybody," he explains. "But when money's involved, you find out who your friends are."
As for reports he impregnated Kelli, a stunned Casey told OK!, "That's news to me."

Of course that's news to Casey Aldridge. I mean, all he did was have unprotected sex numerous times with Kelli Dawson where he ejaculated his semen into her birth canal. Sheeit, that's not how you make a baby.* *For our readers in the South, that is, actually, how you make a baby. My apologies for telling you therefore causing Baby Jesus to cry.

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